What a difference a diamond makes. Or a ruby. Or a gold-encrusted salamander. Whatever your gift, it will mean the world to that special someone who lives and breathes with the pure and reassuring hope that you will pay attention to her. The actual gifts you give won’t matter quite as much as the fact that you’re giving them at all. The lady in your life probably thinks you don’t know your way around a shopping mall, let alone a jewelry store — and, let’s face it, she’s right.
One of the (necessarily) unheralded joys of the internet is that now you can go shopping for your lady without actually taking the time to go shopping for your lady. Sign yourself up for our weekly e-mail list, and we’ll send you a quick, one-page catalogue of adorable little accessories at great value.
Just click on the one (or two, or three — hey, you may have more than one special someone) you want, and we’ll mail it discreetly to your business address. And best of all, once you open the outer box, you’ll find your gift already pre-wrapped as a present — even with a printed, personalized message on it, for a small extra fee. Take it home and watch her melt at the fact that you cared enough to go on a special shopping trip just for her — even though you didn’t. Shhhhhh.
It’s a different set of choices every week, so you’ll never suffer for lack of variety. Maybe you want a gold salamander this week and a platinum one next week. We can do that for you. We’re that flexible. And with all that extra time to yourself — remember, she thinks you’re out shopping for her — you can get up to … other things.
Ah, it’s time once again for the holidays. Which holidays, you ask? Oh, it doesn’t matter. There’s always another holiday coming up, which is rather convenient for our business because it keeps you perpetually having to buy jewelry from us even though your credit card is maxed out and you’ve already pawned your TV.
Besides, what’s a TV really, when compared with another set of gold earrings that will be worn a couple of times and then gather dust in the back of the jewelry box? Don’t blame the missus, of course, for not wearing them more. She would, except that the two of you have already spent most of your money on necklaces, rings and anklets, and now have only enough cash to go out once or twice until the next set of holidays comes around and she’ll be socially obligated to wear the newer stuff.
Naturally, for daring couples, other choices are available. To get maximum usefulness out of these glorious, super-classy items, she could make an effort to wear all of her jewelry each time she goes out, so as not to let any of it sit unused in ignominy at home. The human neck can support dozens of necklaces at a time, and bracelets can be stacked all the way up the arm. Multiple piercings can accommodate several earrings, and not just in the ear. Your loved one could enter polite society dressed like Mr. T, and, after years of this, she would probably grow the neck muscles necessary to actually resemble him physically as well. Best of all, with so much bling on display, no one would ever guess that on ordinary days you are forced to eat dust and orange peels because you can no longer afford food. It’s a win-win situation all around.